It's been a while since I wrote anything in this blog. I stopped, mainly for three reasons, I felt pressured to write something, I had no time, and the features in blogspot sucks (since what i needed is to categorize my entries). However, I'm starting to miss the times when i can purely express my thoughts and it--my little heart whispers to me in the dark as I slowly close my eyes to make myself fall asleep, the itch of ideas that I have befalling me during the early hours of the day and the constant what-if that seems to linger in my mind--needed to show itself again.
So here I am, setelah mendengar hati kecil ku bicara berkali-kali, am starting to write something only important to myself but inconsequential to others. Something trite, hackneyed and boring to others, but utterly zestfully interesting only to me.
Hence, its a blog of my own writing, who laughs sardonically only to himself and satirical only to some readers. It seems that I will continue to write again, what seems commonplace and uninteresting. What seems to be an everyday thing of nothing.
It all starts with the New Year. This is the year I'll be hitting 30. As I sit in my room, thinking of what wonderful things that could happen this year, I am struck with a sense of longing for which I cannot explain. There is something purely missing in my life. And as you read this entry, you'll probably be feeling the same.
For some reason we all feel that there is something missing in our lives. No person, man or woman feels that life is perfect for him/her. Some may say its money, others say its love and many others feel that it is friends.
I am not entirely sure what is it that I'm longing for, being 30 and still studying to build a career path, being 30 and still single or being 30 as I lose my friends to the common custom of matrimony, which ever it is, if its the reason at all. It may seem a combination of all of those but why does it bother me so much or am I wrong to think that it even bothers me.
I guess its what I like to do most that keeps me on thinking. Just like programming, I try to look for the algorithm that makes this so called life works. I look back and think if there was an algorithm behind the function of life. Is there a specific cycle, a loop or a branch in the code that make me choose such a life. What flags that I could have activated to make my life being programmed as it is today. Could I be a instance of a class only with different attributes, or is it even possible for me to reinitialize my class to start on clean.
After many hours thinking, I know now that life is not a program, and what I longed for is not about what I do not have or what I have already lost. Instead its the illusion of choice that we all thought we had. The fallacy in freedom of choice that we all thought we had is a spurious notion. Could we have changed our destiny? Do you think that we could have led a different life?
I can't helped to discern that its the absence of choosing our destiny is what I miss so much. When we were young, destiny is in our hands, what ever we do will effect our well being for tomorrow. But today, as I am reaching 30, as we grow older, we have made the choices that shaped our destiny. Hence, we cannot turned back to change it again. Hence we lost the chance to make a choice.
In my life, I have done a lot of wrong. Many of which I am not proud of doing. Along the way, my obdurate nature seems to shape my character. I never had the chance to say sorry to those I have hurt, and sometimes have never realise of it at all. So for all the family, my significant other, friends and significant others who are now obviously not so significant already that I have hurt before......I'm very very sorry. It's not like i had a choice. Life chooses me, not the other way around. There is probably a blessing for what have happened.....
Sorry for the deep philosophical thoughts, but as if I had a choice. My destiny have been made, and so is yours. So let it be.....bygone be bygone....and forgive each other.
One love everybody, for the wish of New Year.
Happy New Year to you too!! :-) It's good to know that you starts blogging again...Keep up your good works!
ReplyDeleteA lot of people out there might see that you’re searching for some vague “answer” and take advantage of that fact. It’s a sad fact of the human condition that profiting from others’ suffering or their search for their own personal truth is a more popular hobby these days then bowling. However, there is a way to discover what you’re looing for…
ReplyDeleteonly it sadly isn’t as easy as popping a pill or paying $49.95 for a Do-It-Yourself Enlightenment Kit. Everything resonates throughout your lives, through the Multiverses and the endless reverberations of existence.
There ARE people out there who are searching, as well… but who have found that they choose to show others that the “truth” they’re looking for, there “way out”, doesn’t lie anywhere except inside themselves. Harnessing that, learning to understand it, and learning to make the choices that will define your path is the key to understanding this.
The answers are there.
Finding them is a choice.
Like replying to this e-mail (zeal.freemind@gmail.com)
Trust, or don’t: believe it’s a scam, or don’t.
After all… you only have my word to go on.
To be told you don't have a choice is the bigest lie ever.
Dear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteWell said indeed. I like the style you write.
Thanks for the insightful comments.
I'm still making my choices, I'm just sad about the ones that have already past. Nothing much can be done about it.
Selamat ber"blogging" kembali. Lagu tema untuk ko punya come back nie aku suggest Mati Hidup Semula (dendangan Jamal Abdillah).
ReplyDeleteHehehe, well, kita ikut mood, ader bulan baru jalan.
ReplyDelete